I was in a relationship with my daughters father that was… rooted in immaturity. But the moment I had my daughter, my priorities and perspective changed… his didn’t. And although we we’re together for a fair amount of time, instead of growing-up as parents together…we grew far a part. The line was drawn in the cement… the type of woman I became and the type of boy he remained was evident. There was no room for improving something that was dead for a very long time.
When I first started dating, I put the energy out there that “I couldn’t afford anything serious” because I wasn’t ready. But to be honest, I had no idea what the fuck I wanted in a mate. I was still reeling over having a child with a guy I spent the majority of my 20’s not truly understanding at all. I just wanted to date to simply date. And why do us women date generally? To feel special! Fucking duh! We all like to be spoiled and pursued. We enjoy the effort of a man investing his time in getting to know who we are.. regardless of his intentions. So that was at the core of why I really started dating again… to fill a void my current support systems couldn’t possibly fill if they tried. I missed being desired! Yes, I finally admit it. I jumped into motherhood and grew tired of flirting with people for the sake of a "safe space". I wanted a full, frontal experience with a man (post mommyhood) that made me feel desirable. Subtle cat calls walking down the street was flattering, but not exactly fulfilling. So I pulled up my slutty panties and said fuck it … lets do this and bam! I was a tramp in no less than a few dates. I’m kidding, I was a tramp in no less than a few months lmao. But being a single mom in dating mode helped me figure out a set of rules and beliefs that kept my sanity INTACT. So to all of you single mom’s reading this, compare notes and all of you sans children…feel enlightened! Lol
Intentions dictate everything. Where you're at emotionally will dictate who you attract. Knowing the kind of relationship that best suits you or the one that you desire is a tool that will save you a bunch of time but it's not necessity. Regardless of what you want out of dating, just be honest with yourself. In other words, OWN YOUR SHIT! if you just want to connect with someone on a casual level, be real about it. If you want a monogamous relationship that requires a certain level of commitment? communicate it. Don't fear what it is you sincerely want, not when you lay your head alone on your own pillow. Be honest and open about what works for you, what you're open to and don't look back. You'll find the right fit with sincere intentions and transparency isn't always necessary. Be real with your thoughts and understand what you want first. It's okay to keep those expectations... to yourself until you're sure... you're sure. That's not being selfish or misleading that's being emotionally cautious.
Being private and lying are two fuckin things. you don't need to be that bitch who shares every little thing about your life to let your date make a full informed decision. TMI or what I rather abbreviate TMFI "too much fucking info" isn't necessary! Half the time you aren't getting the full story and that's okay. So put your best foot forward without sharing why you hated men for a year because of your ex lol. This belief system also applies to your children. I would never encourage ANYONE to deny their child but I am ferociously protective of my mini me and sometimes disclosure of their presence isn't necessary. When you are in a phase of casually dating someone or are just having fun with them... you are not obligated to disclose motherhood status. This was something I felt odd about at first but have come to terms with it. It's a safety mechanism, especially online or as you're feeling someone out. If my gut told me to hold off on disclosing my motherhood, I did. I didn't do it to mislead anyone, or to project a lifestyle I wasn't leading but rather as a buffer to toss potentially creepy fuck faces implanting themselves in my life - out. On the flip side, a man truly into you will embrace you as a mother and if that's his deal breaker? than it wouldn't have worked out anyway...so keep it pushing without regret.
Make time to spend time. Dating as single mom requires time and effort. As you embark on motherhood, your social life changes. As a single mother, that's no different. I firmly believe what my father always said to me in the first few months of parenthood..."you need to be great as an individual so you can be a superb parent. invest in yourself first". initially, I thought my father was just some selfish narcissist that was speaking from the male perspective. But having been a mommy for a few years now, I follow this daily. If you don't take care of yourself first, if you don't insure that you are emotionally, mentally, physically in an amazing space... it will be reflected in your parenting. Dating and being social go hand in hand. So when you're ready, make the time. Schedule your dating escapades like you would a lunch date with a friend you don’t see often! it's a necessary evil when you are a single parent...unless you're cool with cobweb ridden vagina flaps. :-D
Serious feelings warrant serious milestones. Introducing your kids to who you're dating shouldn't happen out of convenience but rather with care and consideration. It's not in the best interest of your children to introduce them to someone you're not sure about and wont be a constant positive presence in their life. Once you have found the person that makes the cut and you are considering introducing them think 100 times about it before you do it. When they first meet, introduce them in a neutral space. Make sure the neutral space plays to the interest of both your children and your new partner in crime. A day at the museum is the perfect place and will give everyone involved enough of a buffer to feel comfortable during an experience that can be a little bit unnerving.
To be honest, I've been blessed in my single motherhood. And I have absolutely no regrets. Yes, I want to be married to my best friend one day. But to be honest, I'm kind of relieved I've been blessed with an amazing kid before that happened. Motherhood has molded my womanhood and given me clarity. Without this clarity? I wouldn't have learned so much about myself. But until "Mr. Wright" comes into the picture, enjoy my ridiculous dating life and the opinions that come with it.