Mr. Instagram

Yes, I managed to do that…with not much effort or explanation but yes once upon a time it happened. I met this guy via the ever so popular Instagram… and he was actually hashtag sexy, hashtag driven, hashtag creative and of course hashtag humble pocketed…all of the above usually go hand in hand lol.


Yes, Mr Instagram was a local hook up. The way it all started was rather cute. Just a simple “like” of a couple pictures, a few comments back and forth… then boom he teaches me that you can private message once you send someone a picture. As savvy as I thought I was at the time, I was utterly shocked when I received his private message. I literally was like “What the fuck is that? An Instagram virus?!” I felt mad old in that moment. The fact he was a year younger than me made me feel even older for an extra minute. But we chatted for like a day, realized we were fairly attracted to one another and since I was in my exploration phase of dating at the time… with a few summer evenings to spare I figured why not? So we exchanged numbers and realized as sexually attracted we both were to one another… both our asses had some nerdy qualities.


So we arranged to meet up at one of my favorite bars in the city, at a reasonable hour and of course his ass was late.  Thankfully, there was a really cool live band and the place was busy so it wasn’t too painful sitting there waiting and wondering if this douchebag was going to be more than an hour late…which he wasn’t. Mr. Instagram looked just like his photos, very buff…very blonde and very foreign lol. He was a recent transplant to the city, only had been here for a few years and yet quickly grew accustomed to a new found interest… black women lol. But I’m jumping ahead, let me just let you guys note I definitely was not his first lol. He text messages “I’m here” and before I can direct him where to find me…he already picked me out of the crowd. As he strolls over, I chuckle in my head thinking why is he walking as if his dick is the biggest one in the room? As I get up to greet him, he gives me a fairly close warm but gentle bear hug …and I confirm why lmao. It was huge! I had no idea at that point if it was limp or lusting, but either way his man bulge made enough of an impression to spread a grin across my face (that I was desperately trying to hide). He sits down across from me and orders me a drink. We attempt to have a regular conversation over the loud crazy music and the boisterous group of 40-something year old women sitting to my immediate left (laughing over far too many glasses of wine for a Thursday night). He abruptly gets up mid-sentence, moves the table over and sits right next to me saying “This is fucking ridiculous! I can’t hear you and I can’t pretend anymore”. I essentially insinuate he’s playing deaf to creep closer to me and after that implication he proceeds to look me dead in my face – telling me “he aint scared”. Of course my vagina jumped at the notion this man had 3 sets of balls. He proceeded to get away with kissing me obnoxiously in-front of the band, the now gawking neighboring table of women and the entire bar – (that although didn’t make it obvious that we were … behaving obnoxiously) were taking note of our…displays of affection lol.


It was crazy, we made out until at least one of the lights turned on, the band was done and the “get the fuck outtahere” music started its rotation. It was just passed 2 am, so what to do? Continue to be obnoxious outside of course!


It was summer time! I was single, he was single and we were horny… so why not? He managed to pick my big ass up multiple times (I guess to prove he was strong like bull?) and he was begging to have an outdoor spontaneous moment beyond kissing that I was not up for.


I will only go so far on a first date….and well at-least when the thirst was that real *sideeye. But the night ended with him making sure to tuck me into a cab (not without publicly staking clam to my face and eating whatever was left of my makeup). I went home that night a hot bothered mess but with my conscience in check. It was fun times sharing the story in the whatspp group chat my girlfriends and I shoot the shit in from time to time. That night wasn’t the end of the story, but that first date with... Mr. Instagram was indeed memorable.