It’s so hard to own your shit sometimes, especially me. In relationships, well the romantic ones I hold dear I’m so proud and stubborn that it can be a hindrance in the most simple of circumstances. Communicating and being vocal are positive traits to have if you do so mindfully and.... are open to hearing how others receive your feelings. But In many of my experiences romantically, the delivery is always wack as fuck. I can't blame all of them for it cause I am in fact a questionable communicator …. And that brings me to this amazing epiphany. I am finally ready to own my shit lol.
I love being single, it’s fun to have your independence and create your own path and not be highly invested or committed to just one person. But to be honest, I love being in a healthy balanced monogamous relationship more and for all the opposite reasons. I used to think… feeling that way made me weak or thirsty but as I’ve grown up a whole bunch and lived a little bit… I realize I’m just a product of my environment.
I come from parents that have been married for over 40 years, the way in which they value one another and how much of a unit they’ve been consistently is something I was once fearful of because.... I know what commitments required. And knowing the full scope of that commitment has kind of made me think of marriage/long term relationships in a skewed way. I used to use the excuse “I’m young and I’m all about fun. Love will come when it comes”. That was the warm fuzzy comfortable 'thought blanket' I slept with, dragged with me on dates and wrapped around me in my monogamous romantic relationships. Why!? Because who wants to make the wrong decision and be held accountable for being human. Lol NOT ME OBVIOUSLY lol
But now that I’m older, a mother with very ambitious goals… my ‘free’ time is so much more valuable than I could’ve ever imagined. Currently, I’m in a space where dating/playing the HPV infested field requires a certain level of patience. Depending on the company…it can be exhausting or even resemble a game of charades. But I recognize its necessity. You can’t jump into even the thought of marriage without having invested the time to date someone.
So I’m owning my shit. I do in fact want my version of the picket fence with a not so nuclear family. I do want a partner that will be supportive and one I can admire as well. That doesn’t make me weak or thirsty… I'm just highly aware of my needs and how they’ve changed. But don’t worry, I still have many past dating ‘wtf’ moments to share lol. So this blog wont get too boring