Yea, I am. I have never been married…I’ve only had one proposal from a very toxic ex boyfriend that started and ended with my laughter. I’ve been ruthless in my dating career and once upon a time I questioned..."why bother get married isn't love enough?". To me, you get married cause you choose to acknowledge your love and legally bind yourself with the person you love … there is a lot of energy in that. And to me, it says a lot about the lengths people are willing to go ...to legitimize their love (when they mean it).
But one thing I have realized is... being young, single and open… I’ve always stumbled across this idea that always left a bitter taste in my mouth. When did it become wrong about owning the fact you one day want to get married? When did that make a woman or a man desperate? I think that’s a limited perspective to have. People who are single and vocal about what they want ....and genuinely work towards that and sincerely want it? Get it. When it comes to marriage I have not been that person and I officially am now.
I look around at all the wonderful examples of women that I respect that have kept their dignity, goals and futures intact while pursuing love. I’ve been in a rather unpredictable relationship as of late… and I had a serious moment of clarity. We were joking via text of course and in the midst of the joking we both realized our wants are not exactly on the same page. It took a year and a half of knowing each other to organically confirm the unfortunate truth that…I’m the marrying type and he is not. This man that I care a lot about comes from a very… tortured family background that has encouraged trust issues and bad habits that only so many people can tolerate. But he isn’t all bad, in fact he has a generous heart but unfortunately his past experiences have traumatized his outlook on marriage. So with that in mind, he confirmed to me in a sound mind that he doesn’t want to get married. We're not even in a phase of our relationship to even discuss living together in the short term… and that’s why I think I wasn’t as bothered as I thought I would be initially. But it’s taken me a long time to admit I want to get married and that is indeed on my life checklist aka family planning goal list. So to keep my thoughts to myself would be ...in vain. So without hesitation I shared I do want marriage. It was a strange feeling of sadness and almost relief. I know now, I'm not looking at the man I’m going to marry. Right now? He's a boyfriend there to teach me more about what I don’t want. I must define a healthy relationship with the man I’ll inevitably commit to. Yes, he may change and who knows he may even get married...but I'm open to the truth it most likely wont be me.
The conversation didn’t get heated but essentially I was a bit too real for him and shared that we’ll just have to enjoy it while it lasts. He didn’t take that too well and responded with a bandaid response of “I’m only willing to get married if it’s a small wedding on a resort”. Funny enough, that’s exactly what I would want…in fact I’ll take it a step further and say I would much rather elope with close family and friends present. But it felt like I had coerced him into saying that. I’m not the type of bitch to force anyone to do anything… that’s not my character nor would I want a man that needs my control. Some would say that its cute he’s willing to because I shared what I want… but I say FUCK THAT. It’s a red flag... enough to warrant exploring other options and closing the chapter on our situation sooner than later.
I feel NO WAYS… some may think this is a knee jerk reaction others may just think I'm a brat. Maybe I am. But...I'm okay with aggressively owning what I want and relationship goals are no different. Being with someone and learning to compromise is one thing... but settling for something I innately don't want.... would make me a sociopath or extremely resentful (if I stayed). I value my truth enough to lick my wounds and keep it pushing. I know my worth and I most definitely know it's not wrong to desire marriage.